This article is a revised version of a 2020 piece, reflecting my ongoing journey with BDSM and spirituality in 2025.
To let someone touch me intimately is personal.
To entrust my mental, emotional, physical, and psychological well-being to another is sacred.
How do we learn to trust- ourselves, others, or even the Universe- when everything we are taught warns us to fear the unknown? For me, the answer lay in BDSM: a gateway to profound connection and a path to understanding my deepest self.
In 2020, I released the first book of my New York Series called Monopolize Me which is a dark romance about two queer men in a BDSM relationship on Wall Street. Writing this story allowed me to explore not only the themes of power and intimacy but also my own evolution as someone whose life and identity have been shaped by BDSM. While I discuss some of my external background and influences within the BDSM culture- such as Robert Mapplethorpe and Andres Serrano in the Acknowledgements at the back of my books- I also wanted to open up about the internal background that has shaped me as a sexual and spiritual person.
In my 15+ years as a sex worker, within BDSM sessions, I have most often been a Pro Dominatrix. This is my preference in a professional setting, though I have had a few exceptions as a pro submissive.
But my journey with BDSM didn’t start in the dungeon. Long before I entered the professional realm, it began with a vivid and unexplainable series of dreams in my adolescence- dreams that would spark both my curiosity and conflict, shaping the person I am today.
Reconnecting to my Past
I had my first dream of myself as a Dominatrix at 14 years old.
At 14, I had no sexual input from porn nor society prior to these dreams. When I would wake up, I would feel confused that my brain had given me these images and scenarios out of seemingly nowhere; I hadn’t learned what BDSM was at that point, yet I was having graphic, sexual, violent, sadistic dreams that thrilled me to my core.
Experiencing those dreams was like looking into my future. I could see what I looked like and what I sounded like to others. To this day, I could tell you every detail of my outfit, my demeanor, and the things I did to the men I dreamed about. I was in my 30’s in my dreams. At the time of this article’s revision, I am 32 years old, and enrolled in Mistress Damiana Chi Ph.D’s Evolutionary Dominatrix Academy. It has been a full-circle moment— realizing the vision my teenage self dreamed of, and refining my understanding of BDSM as both art and ritual.
Young, traditionally religious, and resistant to seeking advice, my persistent dreams finally became overwhelmingly conflicting with the religious path I was following at the time, so I turned to my mother for understanding and clarity. Her reaction was filled with curiosity—if not a healthy dose of shock—to learn that her teenage daughter was having such vivid dreams. While she offered wisdom and guidance, her life hadn’t included anything as risqué as what my mind indulged in weekly. Though her insights helped, I knew I would have to seek answers elsewhere.
We came to the conclusion that my dreams were symptoms of the anger, depression, and the first heartbreak which I had all suffered through earlier in the year. It was a logical parallel for us to draw at the time, given my circumstances and the paradigm of BDSM through the distorted lens of puritanism; but what I’ve learned since then is that logic hardly ever explains the truth in what we experience.
Photos: Mistress B, Vegan Dominatrix
When first I attended sessions with my conversion therapist, I asked her about these dreams, hoping for some Freudian or Jungian explanations for what was going on. I was only offered advice to pray more, fast in the name of God, and avoid all media and influences which were sexual in nature; all following the historical traditions of Christianity in order to center my life around the path of “pious practiced asceticism, self-mortification, and martyrdom to prove… spiritual devotion.” (Greenberg, S. E. (2019). Divine kink: A consideration of the evidence for BDSM as spiritual ritual. International Journal of Transpersonal Studies, 38 (1).)
In particular, I was to avoid promiscuous music and dancing, encouraged to replace these things with ‘good and uplifting’ options and activities. Yes, it was a lot like Footloose, only I also had monks for neighbors— a literal monastery down the street from my home in Huntsville, Utah. Being an obedient and optimistic teen, I purified my media consumption, but to no avail.
My unyielding dreams only started to escalate until I was experiencing full-on sadistic dreams that bordered on psychopathology, and scared the living hell out of me. Yet, the more I turned to prayer, scripture, and ‘good deeds,’ the more I felt my shadow self grow insatiable, haunting my nights with dark, violent dreams.
When prayer, fasting, and strict adherence to religious teachings failed to suppress my shadow self, I began to realize that the answers I sought would not come from external sources. Feeling isolated and misunderstood, I turned inward— and to the internet— to find clarity and connection.
Turning Inward
By that point, I stopped talking to my mother and my therapist. I didn’t have any friends who would understand because I was told the nature of my dreams was highly age inappropriate to be discussing with my peers. That’s when I turned to older men, who were sexually experienced, and to the internet, as it became ever-more accessible as smartphones came into existence when I was in Jr. High.
Enough Google searches and I found what I was looking for: other people like me. After months of searching, I finally found what I was looking for: people who understood me, who shared my desires, and could offer a sense of community I had been desperate to find. I spent time in chat rooms that were meant for sexting, but I used them to talk to these strangers as if they were an older brother or sister.
These conversations gave me the vocabulary and perspective I needed to begin exploring my desires safely. But it wasn’t until I physically engaged in BDSM that I confronted the deeper layers of my psyche—what Jung would call the shadow self.
As I began to incorporate this lifestyle into my relationships, I made a lot of errors. Not knowing that I would have so many opinions on a sexual style that I hardly had experience in, I quickly became frustrated with everyone’s lack of sexual competency because I couldn’t find the right partner for what I needed, despite being a teen and young adult. This was fascinating to me, and I continually came back to questioning why this was such a necessary element for me within relationships anyway.
Why couldn’t I be happy with a traditional sex life like my parents? Why couldn’t I settle down and be with the nice Mormon boy with whom I played duets in piano recitals? Why did I crave fearing for my life, non-con role-plays, and torturing my beloved when making love?
No one had these answers for me.
When 50 Shades of Grey came out, I was happy for the visibility it brought to the culture to many who would otherwise have never discovered it; however, I was so disappointed to have yet another lackluster portrayal of what I had in mind when it came to BDSM, and that it only scratched the surface of what the lifestyle is about— though there are some very noteworthy moments of inspiration within that book. I often thought to myself that I would end up in New York or California because those were the only places I knew which had formal dungeons and assumed I would inevitably end up there one day. I dreamed (and still dream) of participating in large-scale events, such as Snctm and hope to see the BDSM community grow into new and inclusive spaces— especially ones that don’t divide cishet kink between LGBTQ+ and BIPOC kink.
An Introduction to my Shadow Self
With hindsight, I ask why I have continually gravitated back to BDSM, and why I cannot live without it. When I physically delved into kink, I no longer had taunting, terrorizing, sexually violent dreams. I was able to find peace by feeding this beast.
In Jungian psychology, the shadow self represents the unconscious aspects of who we are— qualities we often ignore or suppress. Engaging with BDSM allowed me to face these parts of myself, not with fear, but with acceptance.
Not knowing it at the time, BDSM was my first introduction to my ‘shadow self.’ The shadow self can quickly be summarized by Jung as the “as the unknown dark side of the personality.” (Roberts, Gwilym Wyn, and Andrew Machon. 2015. Appreciative Healthcare Practice: A guide to compassionate, person-centred care. M&K. ISBN 1907830936. p. 71.)
The truth of the matter is, the more spiritually ‘light’ we are, the larger our shadow selves have the capacity to become. There is no light without darkness, and as we build the muscles of our light qualities, laws of the universe state that opposition of equal or greater force will come to test, challenge, or otherwise put us through hardships in order to refine, develop, and expand us as humans.
For me, this meant that the harder I tried to live only in my light qualities and run from my shadow qualities, the more power I gave my shadow qualities. Conversion therapy had the opposite effect. The harder I tried to put on horse-blinders and live only in a bubble of church sanctioned media and teachings, the fiercer my shadow self became and the angrier I got. I often ran from these emotions in terror and shame, knowing they would only ostracize me from my community, family, and religion. I was angry at myself because I was so bad at being ‘good.’ I was angry at the people around me because nobody understood what I was suffering through and no one had any explanations or advice that was helpful.
My view on myself eventually morphed, having heard the same thing from my religious friends, family, relatives, ward members so many times, and I believed that I had let Satan in through the cracks. He had a grasp, and He would now torment me the rest of my life.
“If only I hadn’t listened to that Green Day song.” “If only I hadn’t watched that 30 Seconds to Mars music video.” I’d blame myself and shame myself, and my parents would say things like, “That’s why we don’t even go near the edge of the cliff.” I was damned to be damned due to my nature. It was a spiritual Hell.
Stuck in a perpetual depressive, limiting worldview, I finally found a compromise that gave me freedom and room to safely explore. I fell in love with a boy and married him at 18.
It was through BDSM and the safety of marriage that I fully faced my shadow self for the first time. Shock filled me when the faceless energy which I had been so fearful of didn’t scare me at all. When I finally looked Her in the face, I just saw myself… Kinkier and more experienced, and with demands and ideas of Her own, but definitely still myself. Accepting that I could be both the young girl I was, and the mature woman I had just met was impossible for me to reconcile at the time.
There are many ways to reach in and connect with the unconscious mind. Some of the more common ways to achieve this union of the conscious and subconscious mind is by meditation, fasting, and isolation. Hippies have known for ages that shrooms, LSD, and DMT can also connect you to the unconscious mind.
However, my favorite way is through BDSM.
BDSM is a six-fold acronym for: Bondage/Discipline — Dominance/Submission —Sadism/Masochism. Within this six-fold acronym is a lifetime of study, a culture with ethics and boundaries, and experiences which change people in very real and dramatic ways. While it can be for fun and games on the weekend, it can also be life transforming.
http://blog.live-lotus.com/anchoring-the-divine-feminine/
Rise of the Divine Feminine
When someone has made connection to their divine ‘Higher Self,’ they are considered ‘enlightened.’ But when someone has made connection to their Divine Holy Darkness— their unconscious qualities and identities— they are considered many things: a witch, a Satanist, a freak of nature, a succubus/incubus, outcasts, ‘boundary pushers,’ devil worshipper…, the list goes on. This is further elucidated by our current global energy being patriarchal and masculine. For note, I speak of masculine and feminine without reference to gender, but of energy archetypes.
Masculine energy is considered Upper World energy: holy, pure, clean, order, studious, conscious, straightforward, organized, outcome-oriented, structure. Sounding familiar? “Cleanliness is next to godliness.” “A house of Order, a house of God.” It’s written in all the scriptures how to be more masculine, holy, and Godly. But nowhere has anyone taught us about how to embrace, love, utilize, and refine the Goddess within us because that requires meeting our unconscious mind.
Feminine energy is considered Under World energy: wild, creative, expanding, multi-faceted, emotional, intuitive, unconscious, nurturing, chaotic, raw, receptive. It’s ironic to me that people who shun their shadow selves are usually shunning their femininity, but they don’t see that yet.
Often, it’s out of fear because they have not known anything other than written scripture— proven tried and true to give you a good life blessed by “God” (if you follow his set of rules). There is truth in that, and there is so much love, protection, and inspiration in God and his Upper Worlds. However, that doesn’t negate— in fact, it confirms, proven by the laws of polarity— that there is truth in the Under Worlds, ruled by Goddess and feminine energy.
Ironic how women have been demonized for centuries because society was so dead set that the only way was the masculine way. It’s no coincidence that women who chose to live on the fringes of society were threatened and murdered as witches, being seen as communing with the devil. It’s also no coincidence that witches give us the only known record I know of which speaks of attaining communion with their Divine Holy Darkness through the use of a scourge (flogger) in magickal ceremonies.
When I was in Australia in March of 2020, I found myself in a metaphysical store off Sydney Harbor in the book section. A thick black book, called A Witches Bible, authored by Janet and Steward Farrar, lay center stage on a sales podium. The book kept energetically beckoning me, but my willful ego had the strongest aversion to anything with the word ‘bible’ on it after my painful exodus from the LDS church years prior. This aversion superseded my intuitive promptings. I walked around in circles in the book section, trying to find ‘the book’ I knew I had come to this store to find. Finally, the shopkeeper picks up the Witches Bible and he set it directly in my hands. “Have you looked at this yet?” he asked, “We just got this in today.”
I hadn’t taken on the title as a witch yet. I didn’t think I wanted or needed to be a witch because I was interested in ceremonial Solomonic traditions and I was not looking to jump over Beltane fires or spend time making potions or learning herbalism. Well, I bought the book. Turns out, the book is all about the foundations of Wicca and it gave me an astronomical amount of information about a completely foreign culture. Knowing that I had once been interested in Wicca’s nature themed worship and organized structure when I first left the church, I rapidly made my way through the 2-inch-thick book I had just purchased.
To my understanding, this information comes from a Book of Shadows which was copied and shared within Wiccan circles for years, but ultimately does not have a single author. In Part 2 of A Witches Bible (also published separately as The Witches’ Way) there is an essay on how “To Get the Sight.”
Book of Shadows: To Get the Sight
‘Sight cometh to different people in divers ways; ‘tis seldom it cometh naturally, but it can be induced in many ways. Deep and prolonged meditation may do it, but only if you are a natural, and usually prolonged fasting is necessary. Of old the monks and nuns obtained visions by long vigils, combined with fasting and flagellation till blood came; other mortifications of the flesh were practiced which resulted in visions.
‘In the East ‘tis tried with various tortures whilst sitting in a cramped position, which retarded the flow of blood; these tortures, long and continued, gave good results.
‘In the Art, we are taught an easier way, that is, to intensify the imagination at the same time controlling the blood supply, and this may be done by using the ritual…
‘The circle being formed, and everything properly prepared, the aspirant should first bind and take his tutor into the circle, invoke suitable spirits for the operation, dance round till giddy, meanwhile invoking and announcing the object of the work, then he should use the flagellum… It is very important that the pupil should see the strokes coming, as this has the effect of passing, and helps greatly to stimulate the imagination. It is important that the stokes be not hard, the object being to do no more than draw the blood to that part and take away from the brain; this… soon induces a drowsy stupor. The tutor should watch for this, and as soon as the aspirant speaks or sleeps the flagellum should cease…
‘Remember, darkness, points of light gleaming amid the surrounding dark, incense, and the steady passes by an arm, are not as stage effects; they are mechanical instruments which serve to start the suggestion which later unlocks the knowledge that it is possible to obtain the divine ecstasy, and so attain knowledge and communion with the Divine Goddess. When you have attained this, ritual is needless, as you may attain the state of ecstasy at will, but till then, or if, having obtained or attained it yourself, you wish to bring a companion to that state of joy, ritual is best.’
Reading those words from a Book of Shadows felt like I was reading scriptures, written for me, that made me feel holy because the words held truth that resonated with my inner divinity. It was a revelation. For the first time, I saw my own practices mirrored in ancient traditions— affirming that my connection to the Divine Feminine through BDSM wasn’t just personal but part of a larger, sacred lineage.
I didn’t know that what I was searching for in BDSM the entire time was communion with the Goddess, which is synonymous with my own Divine Feminine and unconscious mind.
Since I was 14, I only sought to be whole and holy, and it took me until nearly 28 years old to connect all the dots and scavenger hunt my way across the planet to understand this part of myself and figure out what, exactly, I was looking for.
Expanding the Practice
The internet has a handful of research items now that can list off some of the chemical reactions that happen in the brain during a BDSM scene. There is science that explains what subspace is and how to get there. There is science to explain subdropping and how to avoid it. People engage in BDSM across the world every single day, but not everyone uses it spiritually, and that’s totally okay. BDSM is a phenomenal way for adrenaline junkies to get their rocks off (myself included) or to have sadomasochistic itches effectively scratched (also included).
But what I was searching for was the spiritual element to BDSM which no one could explain to me or teach me, and it was a two-fold desire. I wanted to break away from “a woman’s place” in the masculine understanding of the world and be seen as a Dominatrix (violating a woman’s sexual identity within a patriarchal frame, such as shyness/submission), and I also wanted to learn more about myself and why I had these desires in the first place.
https://stardespres.com/blog/2017/10/15/embracing-the-dark-godde
There is very little material out there on this topic of spirituality and BDSM, all published in just the last nine years. Even as I began to integrate spirituality into my BDSM practice, I struggled to find mentors or resources that reflected my unique path. My journey became one of self-discovery and piecing together fragments from various teachings— until I found guidance that resonated with my experiences.
The most noteworthy space where I found connection between the Dark Goddess and BDSM is through Mistress Damiana Chi Ph.D’s book The Dominatrix Archetypes. When she touched on this, I sensed that she, too, connected to this way of worship, which is how I knew I had found the right BDSM mentor after 18 years of seeking. Her work has not only validated my experiences but also gave me the tools to embrace BDSM as a spiritual and ethical practice, deepening my understanding of its transformative power.
Growing up, the kink world had always been lurking and hiding behind curtains; only accessible to those who know exactly what to look for. It wasn’t just the secrecy of the kink world that made my journey challenging— it was also the courage required to confront my own fears, shame, and societal conditioning. But as I learned to trust my intuition and lean into discomfort, I discovered that the rewards of self-discovery far outweighed the risks.
The thought hadn’t occurred to me that I was doing shadow work while engaging in BDSM scenes, seeking council with my own Divine Feminine, or reaching anything like enlightenment during this practice. It was all intuition; which truly is a summary of how the Divine Feminine energy works.
Hinduism has practiced Tantra for centuries as spiritual practice, so it shouldn’t be as shocking as it seems to accept BDSM as a valid spiritual practice. For me, the connection between BDSM and spirituality became most apparent when I began exploring the balance of masculine and feminine energy within myself. This shift opened the door to a deeper understanding of the Divine Feminine and Her role in my life.
Believe in Yourself. Trust your Heart.
Everything I had been dying to know and understand about myself was found by following the intuition and desires of my heart, but it took a lot of leaps of faith, hope, and social chastising along the way.
What I’ve learned about piercing the veil of the Underworld/unconscious mind is that you will never pierce it until you have faced the fears of piercing the veil. The Goddess requires an offering and sacrifice if you choose to commune with her, whether it be within yourself or within spiritual practice and ritual. This means that bravery, courage, ego death, and trust is required because we have to take that leap into the unknown. Order, conscious-awareness, organization, and structure must be sacrificed in order to reach the deepest parts of our unconscious mind. Trusting in the process is a prerequisite, and trusting in others has taken me twice as far.
The leap into the unknown required in BDSM mirrors the leap of faith demanded in spiritual surrender. Both involve a profound letting go—of control, ego, and certainty—that allows us to access deeper layers of ourselves. Subspace, much like spiritual ecstasy, is a state of altered consciousness where the boundaries of the self dissolve, the body feels weightless, the mind opens, and time becomes elastic. In this moment of pure surrender, trust takes over, and we become acutely attuned to the present. Spiritually, this mirrors the courage needed to relinquish order and logic in rituals, fully embracing the unknown to connect with something greater. Both are acts of profound vulnerability, where the body becomes a vessel for transformation and the mind opens to a connection that feels simultaneously intimate and transcendent, leaving us more whole than before.
A powerful parallel between BDSM and spirituality lies in the concept of contracts. Both require deep communication, intention, and preparation. In BDSM, negotiating contracts with my submissives allows me to create safe, transformative experiences that honor their desires and fears while embodying my own Divine Feminine power. Similarly, as a witch, I approach the Universe with the same level of clarity and trust when setting spiritual intentions. In both BDSM and spiritual practice, these agreements are acts of intention—reminders that the path we walk is chosen with care, especially if it leads us into the unknown.
BDSM has taught me that true self-discovery requires courage: the courage to confront our shadow selves, trust in others, and surrender to the unknown. Through this practice, I’ve connected with my Divine Darkness and emerged more whole. Whether kneeling in subspace or commanding as a Dominatrix, I’ve learned that transformation begins when we embrace discomfort and trust the journey.
My path has been anything but traditional, yet every step has brought me closer to the truth of who I am. Whether through spirituality, BDSM, or the intersection of both, I’ve learned that transformation begins when we embrace our shadow and trust in the journey toward wholeness.
The journey toward wholeness isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. How might your own shadow—if embraced—guide you toward the light?
// Evie Noir Jan. ‘25
Evie Noir (they/she) is a nonbinary queer femme, published author, and Pro Dominatrix. Their work delves into emotionally rich LGBTQ+ romance, exploring themes of transformation, identity, and the complexities of human connection. Known for crafting vivid, character-driven narratives, Evie captures the beauty of resilience and love in all its forms. When not writing, they are a Bikram yoga teacher, an advocate for ocean conservation, a Pro-Domme, and a pagan with a passion for herbalism. You can find her work at evienoirauthor.com.
Further recommended reading:
Divine Kink: A Consideration of the Evidence for BDSM as Spiritual Ritual by Sam E. Greenberg http://dx.doi.org/https://doi.org/10.24972/ ijts.2019.38.1.220
The Dominatrix Archetypes. Become a Multidimensional Dominatrix in the Art of BDSM FemDom by Mistress Damiana Chi Ph.D
https://thedominatrixarchetypes.com
Photo: Evie Noir by @artofjay1
